Confused!!!

Man...I feel like i've been in a rut for the last 4 years. Nothing seems to go right anymore. I love Jesus...and I had a man whom I love dearly but life just can't seem to take off for us. I'd like to be able to get married in the next couple of years but with the economy, college loans, and job issues I don't see that happening for a long time...let alone being able to have children. My friends have abandoned me somewhat. I guess i'm just lonely in the same place i've been for a long time. I've found a bible study I like but at the same time its an outreach ministry and I don't feel like i'm in a place to reach out to anyone right now. I just need to figure this out. My boyfriend hasn't had a consistent job our entire relationship.(which has been over a year) My bills are so expensive because of the college loans that they're preventing me from moving out of my parents home. Its just hard to trust God right now. I need some serious encouragement.

What to do?

DANG!!!! :(

Wow, ok so I thought that everything was just gonna be refreshed this year...ok maybe some things. I got a job! Thank the Lord!!! Lately i've been having dreams about Brett though. The dreams have just been good dreams...nothing that ever happened in real life or anything but him and I as friends. I don't understand. Its not like I think about him right before I go to bed. Honestly, i'm trying to forget about him. We did have a lot of good times...I don't want to forgot those...I just want to forget the feelings I have for him. These dreams that i'm having are not helping. They actually make me depressed. I wake up and i'm like DANG...back to real life. I do want to be able to be his friend in the future but i'm never gonna get over him at this rate. He was a lot of firsts for me. That in itself makes it harder to get over.
I'm trying to find a quick distraction before sunday(valentines day) comes along. I'm already sad about it. It looks like i'm gonna spend it alone again...just like every year. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired of asking myself whats wrong with me??? Its not me!!! ITS DUMB GUYS WHO DON'T KNOW A GOOD THING WHEN THEY FIND IT!!! GRRRR!!!!! Hopefully getting back to work will help me to be distracted. I can't stand feeling so lonely. It sucks when we cancel out Sunday girls get together because the other two girls have significant others. Some people say suck it up...but the truth is they wouldn't like being alone either...and if they had the oppertunity to be with someone they probably would. I really miss Brett. I miss his humor, I miss his smile, I miss his eyes, I miss his random awkwardness...lol, I miss his compliments, I miss hearing about how his day went, I miss sleeping next to him, I miss bullshitting, I miss him telling me he loves me, I miss having someone who loves me, I really just miss him I guess.
Its funny because I like his girlfriend...I have no reason not to. I'm totally jealous. I thought we had a lot of inside stuff but apparently not compared to them. It hurts sometimes...i'm not trying to be mean...but to the normal eye most people would say i'm more attractive. That makes me wonder...just how much did he NOT like my personality.
Normally guys go for the lookers...and i'm not just a good looker...I have a good heart. I love taking care of people. I love to encourage. I love giving and making people happy. I don't understand why its so hard for me to find someone? I sometimes wish I could make him jealous...but it wont work...cause he's happy. Its like a no win situation. They have the last laugh. Here I am...alone again. It sucks. The majority of my friends have had way more oppertunities for love than I have. Yeah some may have been in as many relationships as me...but theirs lasted a lot longer. Its like...Where do I fit in? All my friends are gonna be married and then I wont have ANYONE. I'm so upset. This is Valentines Day does to single(not by choice) people. I need to get a grip. I have to trust that God knows what he's doing. Its so hard though...because aside from a few flings that didn't work out...i've been waiting a long time for something real to come along. I don't know.

New beginings!!!!

So, its 2010...YAY!!!! I'm so excited for what this year will bring. This year I really want to focus on a better me. The last couple of years i've barely been sliding by. I want to make something of myself. In the fall i'm going back to school. I want to be a paralegal.(and then maybe an actual lawyer someday)
I was forced to move on from brett late last year. He has a new girlfriend. No matter how much I want to hate on her...in the end it doesn't make me feel any better and I wouldn't want to be talked about in that way. Its him I should hate on. The last time we saw each other was three weeks before him and his girlfriend got together. Let me just say when we saw each other it wasn't exactly platonic. So, even though we were broke up...it still really hurt that he had a girlfriend so fast. I had to delete him from everything. I need to heal. Its sad though because most of the memories we had, even for that short time, were so awesome. I don't want to forget about the times we shared. It sucks because I feel as if she's so wrong for him...but what do I know...I guess? She's super immature...not saying that to slam her I just thinks its her age. He's immature too but in a different way. Heck i'm immature about certain things in life. I don't know. Nothings gonna change the fact that its just not meant to be. It sucks to sit here and write that but the thats probably the truth of the matter. I really love/loved him. Heck, i'd still probably go out of my way for him.
Oh, and I'm no longer working at the call center I wrote of in the last blog. I guess it just happens that call centers are not for me. I looking into getting back into the home health care. I loved doing that and knew how to do it well. I got a call back about a job today so we'll see tomorrow when I go in. This year I really want to learn to budget better, be independent(totally), be a better friend, daughter, and sister.
Me and God are gonna be tighter than ever! :) I'm already starting to surround myself with loving people. It makes a huge difference just when you surround yourself with positive people. I know right now its the last thing I should be thinking of(jobless in all) but I really want to go on a vacation this year. I haven't been on vacation in 9 years. Wow, well I feel like this post needs to be coming to an end. I'm super excited for this weekend. GACH lock in/a surprise party/ hanging with my bestie/church/ and girls night...all to come this weekend. Its gonna be awesome!!!!

One Love!!!!

NEW HAPPENINGS FIRST UPDATE IN 2.5 YEARS

Holy cow its been forever since my last post. So much has happened. I turned 21...like more than 2 years ago...lol. I've had two love interests since then. I totally got over my crush on Brandon...THANK THE LORD!!!! I've had ummm...4 different jobs since the last post. I quit taking care of the elderly to become a nanny for Heather in Cleveland...where I had to move. That was the first big mistake I made. She ended up not paying me for like 2 months. Then I was unemployed for 5 months only to find a job at HELL...aka InfoCision. I had to lie to people about faith and politics all day. My views have changed over the years and I'm not as religious anymore. I love Jesus just sick of all the Politics involved. I'm now working at another call center...a much happier one where everyone in the call center has each others back. Love Love Love it!!!
Now, the drama...the boys that were in my life.lol First it started with T.T....we like to refer to him as tool bag. He lead me on for an entire year...and treated me like crap calling me names and saying I was fat. I have no idea why I let someone like that into my life. I must of been at an extremely desperate point in my life. Finally, I got over him...and Brett came into my life...a breath of fresh air. He was/is wonderful. Sadly, we broke up. He was the only guy that i've dated that actually treated me like a princess. He's great at making sure everything is okay. I really care about him...he was a lot of firsts for me. We are still friends...and sometimes can't keep our hands off each other.lol I don't mind. :) Maybe someday or in different timing we'll find our way back to each other. For now he set an amazing example for me...so I can find find a boy who actually cares and is good to me. I wont settle for less than what he gave me. He's so darn cute dang it!!! We never faught or anything. He's 3 years younger than me and we were just at different points in our lives. I totally get it.
Now...moving on. I'm so ready to get life back in order...move out(I have lived in 3 different places in the last year...now i'm back at the rents) and just get a fresh start. I feel good. Things can't get much worse. I can only go up from here. Oh, and did I mention I have the most wonderful friends in the world. Most of the same ones are still in my life with the addition of a couple new ones. God is amazing. When I need him he's always there...even when i've turned my back on him several times. I'm so blessed. I can't complain about anything.

Praise the Lord

I go back to work on Monday! Hey at least I had all of Spring Break off to do absolutely nothing! The escort(my car that's transmission died) is being fixed! I hope that everything with me buying a new car goes okay! AHHH...I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SUMMER!

Aunt Lori

Losing My Way

By

Justin Timberlake

Hey excuse me

Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job
I make forty-something dollars a day
I used to be the man in my hometown
Until I started to lose my way
It all goes back to when I dropped out at school
Having fun, I was living the life
But now I got a problem with that little white rock
See I can't put down the pipe

And...

It's breaking me down
Watching the world spin round
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself...
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?

Now you gotta understand I was a family man
I would have done anything for my own
But I couldn't get a grip on my new found itch
So I ended up all alone
I remember where I was when I got my first buzz
See I thought I was living the life
And the craziest thing is I'll probably never know the color of my daughter's eyes

And it is breaking me down
Watching the world spin round
While me dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself.

Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?

Oh my god please forgive me (father hear my prayer)
'Cause I know I've done some wrong in this life
If I could do it all again
Have just one more chance
To take all those wrongs and make them right

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself.

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?

A bump in the road

Its funny, if you notice in my last post...just for my enjoyment by the way...I'm a heck of a lot whiter than all of the celebrities...by the way I did another one with a different picture of myself and the results were better...I just didn't like that picture of myself!(talk about a run-on)

Anyway, I've had a hard week so far...but God always prevails! I just need to trust...thats all I ever need to do! I've had a migrain all day today but sadly I don't have the option of staying in bed all day! My brother needs to get to work and the chores need to be done! I've been kind of down as well. Some of the choices I've made result in consequences that are depressing! For instance...where I'm at in school...that sucks...I totally didn't take the steps I needed to, to get toutoring or to be in study groups! Sometimes I feel like I catch up only to still be behind in my finances. Thats really not the case but...theres always something that comes up!(I'm very blessed though because God ALWAYS provides...just as he has these next two weeks when I'm off work!(tax returns came)) I'm really longing to be independent though. I need to get out and experience life on my own. I feel like living with my parents enables me to not be responsible(believe me I'm not blaming them...I'm just saying I give myself excuses because I have a fall back). I've been extremly emotional...it kind of sucks when you hit the scan button on the radio and then nothing is on so you turn it back to the fish and start crying...man I don't know whats wrong with me!(thank the Lord nobody was with me they would of thought I was CRAZY!) I really just think I'm lonely. I hardly see Cindi, Kelly, Michelle, Lydia, Alysha, Jessie, Emily, or Mackenzie anymore! The only one I see is Lisa...and don't get me wrong I LOVE her SO much! I think sometimes me and lisa find company in each others misery(just an expression were not miserable...just like to eat when bored and shop when depressed or sad)! I need some encouragement. I've never thought that I was words of affirmation, but I think that I am! I mean I'm not like some people bagging and fishing for compliments. I kind of hide in the backround when it comes to that kind of stuff...I like giving compliments to! I have a feeling that latter this week I'm going to wanna rip my hair out...RIP IT! AHHHHHHHH...I'M SO BORED!!!!!

-Lord, Help me to have patients! Help me to get through this rough week...I know I ask for a lot...and I'm always thankful that you provide. Help me to have confidence in myself. Help me to be bold and unpredictable.

Well, I think thats it for today. I'm very sleepy so I'm gonna hit the sheets!

SOMEDAY!