Wow, ok so I thought that everything was just gonna be refreshed this year...ok maybe some things. I got a job! Thank the Lord!!! Lately i've been having dreams about Brett though. The dreams have just been good dreams...nothing that ever happened in real life or anything but him and I as friends. I don't understand. Its not like I think about him right before I go to bed. Honestly, i'm trying to forget about him. We did have a lot of good times...I don't want to forgot those...I just want to forget the feelings I have for him. These dreams that i'm having are not helping. They actually make me depressed. I wake up and i'm like DANG...back to real life. I do want to be able to be his friend in the future but i'm never gonna get over him at this rate. He was a lot of firsts for me. That in itself makes it harder to get over.
I'm trying to find a quick distraction before sunday(valentines day) comes along. I'm already sad about it. It looks like i'm gonna spend it alone again...just like every year. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired of asking myself whats wrong with me??? Its not me!!! ITS DUMB GUYS WHO DON'T KNOW A GOOD THING WHEN THEY FIND IT!!! GRRRR!!!!! Hopefully getting back to work will help me to be distracted. I can't stand feeling so lonely. It sucks when we cancel out Sunday girls get together because the other two girls have significant others. Some people say suck it up...but the truth is they wouldn't like being alone either...and if they had the oppertunity to be with someone they probably would. I really miss Brett. I miss his humor, I miss his smile, I miss his eyes, I miss his random awkwardness...lol, I miss his compliments, I miss hearing about how his day went, I miss sleeping next to him, I miss bullshitting, I miss him telling me he loves me, I miss having someone who loves me, I really just miss him I guess.
Its funny because I like his girlfriend...I have no reason not to. I'm totally jealous. I thought we had a lot of inside stuff but apparently not compared to them. It hurts sometimes...i'm not trying to be mean...but to the normal eye most people would say i'm more attractive. That makes me wonder...just how much did he NOT like my personality.
Normally guys go for the lookers...and i'm not just a good looker...I have a good heart. I love taking care of people. I love to encourage. I love giving and making people happy. I don't understand why its so hard for me to find someone? I sometimes wish I could make him jealous...but it wont work...cause he's happy. Its like a no win situation. They have the last laugh. Here I am...alone again. It sucks. The majority of my friends have had way more oppertunities for love than I have. Yeah some may have been in as many relationships as me...but theirs lasted a lot longer. Its like...Where do I fit in? All my friends are gonna be married and then I wont have ANYONE. I'm so upset. This is Valentines Day does to single(not by choice) people. I need to get a grip. I have to trust that God knows what he's doing. Its so hard though...because aside from a few flings that didn't work out...i've been waiting a long time for something real to come along. I don't know.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
New beginings!!!!
So, its 2010...YAY!!!! I'm so excited for what this year will bring. This year I really want to focus on a better me. The last couple of years i've barely been sliding by. I want to make something of myself. In the fall i'm going back to school. I want to be a paralegal.(and then maybe an actual lawyer someday)
I was forced to move on from brett late last year. He has a new girlfriend. No matter how much I want to hate on her...in the end it doesn't make me feel any better and I wouldn't want to be talked about in that way. Its him I should hate on. The last time we saw each other was three weeks before him and his girlfriend got together. Let me just say when we saw each other it wasn't exactly platonic. So, even though we were broke up...it still really hurt that he had a girlfriend so fast. I had to delete him from everything. I need to heal. Its sad though because most of the memories we had, even for that short time, were so awesome. I don't want to forget about the times we shared. It sucks because I feel as if she's so wrong for him...but what do I know...I guess? She's super immature...not saying that to slam her I just thinks its her age. He's immature too but in a different way. Heck i'm immature about certain things in life. I don't know. Nothings gonna change the fact that its just not meant to be. It sucks to sit here and write that but the thats probably the truth of the matter. I really love/loved him. Heck, i'd still probably go out of my way for him.
Oh, and I'm no longer working at the call center I wrote of in the last blog. I guess it just happens that call centers are not for me. I looking into getting back into the home health care. I loved doing that and knew how to do it well. I got a call back about a job today so we'll see tomorrow when I go in. This year I really want to learn to budget better, be independent(totally), be a better friend, daughter, and sister.
Me and God are gonna be tighter than ever! :) I'm already starting to surround myself with loving people. It makes a huge difference just when you surround yourself with positive people. I know right now its the last thing I should be thinking of(jobless in all) but I really want to go on a vacation this year. I haven't been on vacation in 9 years. Wow, well I feel like this post needs to be coming to an end. I'm super excited for this weekend. GACH lock in/a surprise party/ hanging with my bestie/church/ and girls night...all to come this weekend. Its gonna be awesome!!!!
One Love!!!!
I was forced to move on from brett late last year. He has a new girlfriend. No matter how much I want to hate on her...in the end it doesn't make me feel any better and I wouldn't want to be talked about in that way. Its him I should hate on. The last time we saw each other was three weeks before him and his girlfriend got together. Let me just say when we saw each other it wasn't exactly platonic. So, even though we were broke up...it still really hurt that he had a girlfriend so fast. I had to delete him from everything. I need to heal. Its sad though because most of the memories we had, even for that short time, were so awesome. I don't want to forget about the times we shared. It sucks because I feel as if she's so wrong for him...but what do I know...I guess? She's super immature...not saying that to slam her I just thinks its her age. He's immature too but in a different way. Heck i'm immature about certain things in life. I don't know. Nothings gonna change the fact that its just not meant to be. It sucks to sit here and write that but the thats probably the truth of the matter. I really love/loved him. Heck, i'd still probably go out of my way for him.
Oh, and I'm no longer working at the call center I wrote of in the last blog. I guess it just happens that call centers are not for me. I looking into getting back into the home health care. I loved doing that and knew how to do it well. I got a call back about a job today so we'll see tomorrow when I go in. This year I really want to learn to budget better, be independent(totally), be a better friend, daughter, and sister.
Me and God are gonna be tighter than ever! :) I'm already starting to surround myself with loving people. It makes a huge difference just when you surround yourself with positive people. I know right now its the last thing I should be thinking of(jobless in all) but I really want to go on a vacation this year. I haven't been on vacation in 9 years. Wow, well I feel like this post needs to be coming to an end. I'm super excited for this weekend. GACH lock in/a surprise party/ hanging with my bestie/church/ and girls night...all to come this weekend. Its gonna be awesome!!!!
One Love!!!!
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